When there are no words

The past few days has me sighing in the most random moments; migraines come in and out like the EFCC with hotels—without permission; bouts of weakness in my knees, not from tiredness unfortunately; weird silence for when she asks me "what's wrong with you?"; irritant approach to every morning.

Forgive me.

I know my letters don't usually start out with complex sentences. Let me try again.

Hey Praise,

I'm not tired, I promise you. I don't lack sleep either.

It's just a lot of things and my mind tricking me that I have to keep it all in my head. Even if I want to say it, I don't have the words. It's just something you feel.

It's definitely not burnout—but I can't have good sleep 'cos I continue thinking in my dreams.

Lol.

A part of me really doesn't want you to sympathize with me right now. Don't ask me to tell you what's up either, I won't.

One thing is good tho.

My answer to "how are you?" has moved from "I'm alive" to "head above water". People laugh and dismiss it a lot, but whatever answer I give to that one question irrespective of who you are is the truth.

It's the closest to sharing I can do at the moment. Even more, it's a subtle reminder that I'm not drowning yet—that I'm still in the game, eventually able to handle it.

So if I asked you "how are you?", are you really fine? Or like me, it's head above water.

Looking forward to when I get to the shore—you know the feeling they get in the movies. Laid down, swimming in the sand, staring at the sun eyes closed—yeah, that feeling.

Then, I'll say "on the shore".

Praise, how are you?

Ciao.

PS: I'm at The Nest rooftop, Yaba till later today (maybe 4 PM). Drop by if you're nearby.

I love you!

Ciao.

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