To fight or run

I consider myself largely indifferent.

But not like how Google describes the word.

I like to think that I care a lot, but can very easily ignore how I feel about things. I know a lot of people who cannot do that; and I know a lot more who are wildly apathetic about so many things.

I am not proud of it, mostly because of how much things I have had to sweep under the carpet. I hate confrontations; and more pressing is my deep dislike for being part of a conflict.

My Twitter persona (from a while back) might be an antithesis to this. It's fine.

Being indifferent is a mechanism I have chosen to manage difficult situations — especially those I am directly involved in. It is how I came up with the compromise/sweet-spot formula.

I remember that having disagreements with my parents would keep me up at night, and distracted at work till I apologise (even if there's nothing to apologise for). I think it contributes a lot to how I tend to subtly avoid too much contact currently with them.

Being indifferent means choosing "flight" 3 out of 4 times; and only choosing to fight when my back is up against the wall — and sometimes, I go ahead to break the wall.

From experience, I don't handle fights well.

I think about most of my conflicts, and then I find out that I turn out to be the person apologising the most.

Contrary to what you might think, I consider this a strength — being able to keep my emotions, opinions and complaints to myself, and have a conversation or solve a problem with you. I find that, at the end, I get what needed to be done, done.

There's a second side to this indifferent life of mine — the people I rant to.

When I choose to rant to someone, it is not for the sake of advice or pity — unless I ask for it. I rant because I don't want my brain to have to deal with all that processed information.

Think of it like this: if Dumbledore has done 5 things worth a million data inputs into my brain, the more I keep silent about how I feel (or what I personally think), the more scenarios continue to unveil in my head. Then, it is full!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!

No! I don't scream. It makes no sense to me and I find it really tasking to do. But my brain does. Then, I rant.

Tweet storms, personal calls, binging on TikTok, anything to let it out. So I'd find funny videos when I'm damn stressed or tweet haphazardly when I'm pissed off at something or call my friends (who are definitely going to listen) when it's too much to ignore.

It's like the common Physics law that "energy cannot be created nor destroyed, it can only be transformed from one form to another".

When I rant, it always end with "we'll be fine".

Sometimes, it doesn't end up fine — fine being how I want it to end up. But here's my new consolation — there's always something to cheer me up, let me find that instead.

Right now, it is writing this letter. In 10 minutes, it is going to be some work at Bloc. And by 9 AM, it's going to be getting back at it with my team.

Even though, "communicate" isn't my strongest suit for my feelings (weird for a Brand & Comms Lead), what I am grateful for is my tenacity to get things done regardless.

And we will.

Enjoy your week.

Ciao.

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