How to be a coward

Hi Praise,

I hate conflict — a lot, more than I realize.

I have only been in a fistfight once. I was 10. I didn't lose. I learned many things that day; like finding out how hard it is if you can't see where your punches are landing; that you don't fight when you have no support or fans; that geeks like me are not made for fistfights; that punches are really painful to receive.

As I phase through my twenties, I have now learned that my nicely-intended hatred for conflict is described as being "avoidant." My intended good for the world apparently has a net adverse effect on people and things around me.

Did I change? No!

Praise, 20+ years of avoiding conflict is not an easy skill to learn, and it'd be weird to expect me to drop all that. I have devised the best ways to be okay (or trick myself into being okay) regardless of what's going on, and I will not let my inventions be in vain. It started with being a recluse. When I found out that I'd starve (and my mum was going to let me), I developed my inner voices — the one where two versions of me repeatedly debated the issue until it became stale and lacked relevance, making it easy for me to get over it.

It didn't stop there. I learned to forget. I learned to reduce the importance of the conflict. I learned to compromise. I learned to apologize (even when I wasn't at fault). I learned to separate the deed from the man/woman. I simply learned to be indifferent — either it didn't matter or you don't matter.

This was perfect! The amount of wreckage it caused, however, was world-class. I was terrible at asking for what I wanted (no matter how bad I wanted it). I over-explained, a lot. I never fought for cool friendships and relationships. I lost money. I burnt out multiple times. My extreme objectivity meant I had very little opinions that were mine.

I avoid conflict because I don't want to create enemies. I avoid conflict because it means I have to think about what has happened, how it affects me, and why it deserves talking about — this is incredibly stressful. I avoid conflict because talking about it doesn't change the fact that it's happened. I avoid conflict because it's more valuable to me to make sure I don't feel that way again than to inform you of the wrong you did.

I avoid conflict because I care about me more than I care about you, Praise, even though sometimes it is because I do not want to hurt your feelings. But like an article screenshot I read earlier this morning said:

"We may describe ourselves as avoiding conflict, but I personally believe there is no such thing as avoiding conflict. There is only transmuting how you experience conflict."

The truth is I have never thought of being conflict-avoidant as bad. Life is a lot more miserable for the people who have to talk about or act on everything. We wouldn't have wars if people decided to be like me.

The problem is making avoidance your only response to conflict.

So to be better, I had to learn how to manage conflict. And thanks to my favourite political dramas, amazing cool articles, and sheer will, I made some progress. I learned that the biggest reason I default to avoidance is a sub-par level of articulation. I couldn't, for the life of me, prosecute or defend my case depending on which side I was on.

You'd think the answer is to practice my words, but no! I lacked articulation because I never take the time to think and understand what has happened. I only see that it has happened.

So I started taking anywhere between 5 minutes to a few days to think about what's happened, and it is profound how much satisfaction you get from choosing to think about it. Half the time, it's stupid shit and it still doesn't matter. But the other half? Ooooooh! It's awesome.

Praise, it turns out to truly deal with conflict, you have to be human, and you have to show the other person that you are hurt or pained or oblivious or imperfect. To deal with conflict, you have to be comfortable with being imperfect. It is uncomfortable, I know, but it's awesome sometimes.

The other thing I learned to do is to be comfortable with people not liking me. Lol! Enemies are a part of life.

Like a poem quoted in the Crown series says, "You have no enemies, you say? Alas, my friend, the boast is poor. He, who has mingled in the fray of duty that the brave endure must have made foes. If you have none, small is the work that you have done. You've hit no traitor on the hip, you've dashed no cup from perjured lip, you've never turned the wrong to right, you've been a coward in the fight."

As a rule of thumb, I only choose to deal with conflict when it affects someone that I care about really much or it affects a thing I love. Everything else just doesn't matter. That's a better way to live, for me, for now, and, hopefully, the world is a slightly better place because of it.

Cheers,

Praise 🩶

PS: I was listening to Enya - China Roses while writing this (with a long silence in between.)

PPS: Last week was a week and a half. I am sorry for not writing you a letter.

PPPS: I just had to include this really quote before I forget it. A$AP Rocky said this, and I paraphrase, "Creativity is 90% editing, and 10% substance."

PPPPS: Question for you — "Do you matter in this universe? And why do you think you do/don't?